Jokes

We try to collect related humor that is particularly clever. Though we don't like it when theft is trivialized ... we do enjoy humor. Try checking these jokes out:

 

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Laugh

 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
 
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
 
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.'

  'Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Laughing

 

 

Police were called to a day care where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.

 

Police

 

 

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

Laughing

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

 

Police

 

 

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, " What did you steal? "

Judge

She replied, " A can of peaches ."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied " ."

The judge then said, " I will give you 6 days in jail ."

At this point the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, " What is it? "

The husband said " She also stole a can of peas! "

Laugh

 

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

 

Police

 

 

A totally distrought woman races into her hypnotherapists office and declares, "I have always followed the 10 Commandments but yesterday I sinned, I stole, I can't live with this!"

therapist

She goes on to declare that the guilt is haunting her and insists, "I just want to forget that I sinned. I need to forget that I shoplifted."

The hypnotherapist looks at her, shakes his head and sighs, ...
"Not again!"

Laughing

 

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

 

Police

 

 

“You wouldn’t believe my bad luck,” a burglar tells his friend.
“I broke into a lawyer’s house last night, and he caught me.
He let me go but told me never to steal again.”
“He let you go? Why’s that bad luck?” asks the friend.
“He charged me $500 for the advice.”

 

 

Police

 

 

Theft Joke

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought
she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a religious woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell Him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to
her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I
would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
             
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had
worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down
the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.

 

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

 

 

Police

 

 

A man goes to a church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the
Ten Commandments.  He has an epiphany and goes to confession.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, "he begins.

"Go ahead, son" the priest says.

"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one.  But then I
heard your sermon and I changed my mind."

"That's great," the priest replies, "Thou shalt not steal, is a powerful
commandment."

"True," the man says. "But it was when you said, 'Thou shalt not
commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was."

 

 

 

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.
"What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.
"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"

 

 

 

 

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms.

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

 

Police

 

 

 

Do You have a theft joke?

 

 

 

 

 Do you have a theft / shoplifting joke - share it with us at support@offendersolutions.com